I remember the first time I saw you, really saw you. We were young, sitting on the stairs at the front of my high school and at that very second, I knew that was it. I would have you forever or not have you at all. I could never have settled for in between.
Your nails were bitten down to make way for the cracked skin of your fingers and your hair curled in ringlets I could wrap around my fingers. You had the kind of smile that made other people smile. You said my name like I mattered. I realized it was because I did matter. I mattered to you.
I tried to write other things for you, about you, but none of them seemed honest enough. It always sounded like I wanted to make you a poem when all I ever wanted was for everyone to know it was possible to love someone that much. I wanted everyone to know it was possible for someone like me to love someone that much.
I’ve stopped trying to trick myself into thinking I don’t love you anymore. I do. I always will. I would’ve given you anything you wanted and I still probably would if you asked me to somehow. But what else can I do but accept that I will always love you and live with it? What else can others tell me about how stupid it is to love you that I haven’t already told myself? What else is there for me?
I don’t know where you are right now, I don’t know what you’re doing, but I tried to leave flowers at your grave today and I couldn’t find where you were buried. It shouldn’t have surprised me, because you always knew where to hide when you didn’t want to be found, but I just wanted to be done. I wanted to let you go.
Now I don’t think I ever will. It’s probably because you never wanted me to.
Humans are just instrument.
It was late in the afternoon. Patients keep on coming. I need to help in assisting and end up refracting two of them. Because of my disorganized mind, I forgot that the powers that I need for their prescription are not applicable in the lens that I prescribed so I need to find a way to fix it, and end up asking Doctor A. I listened to her advice. After a few hours, Doctor B told me that there is another lens which is the same with the lens that I prescribed wherein the lens powers are available. So I double checked the lenses that she told me and told Doctor A about it over the phone. After a few minutes, Staff A hand me over her phone because Doctor A is on the line. After we talk, I gave back the phone to Staff A, and then that’s the time my eyes feel heavy. Staff A told me that Doctor A got mad because of Doctor B since he/she intervenes, and told me not to cry because it isn’t my fault. But no matter how many times I look at it, it’s still my fault that I didn’t stick to the judgment that Doctor A and I had.
I feel so bad. I just want something better for the patient, but then I also end up hurting someone. Maybe I’m a conflict magnet. I don’t know. I think I’m not ready for this.
I feel so useless.